I love it even if It won't believe me posted Dec 19th 2009, 9:43PM
Mood: Suicidal
So I told him I loved him and he set his cup down and said, "you're full of shit, you don't know what you want," and went back to picking his scabs. He couldn't be bothered to look up and see that I was mirroring his shapes and colors shift for shift; he couldn't even see past his own wounds, even to see what was left of mine. We both shifted our weight, awkwardly, and turned away from each other. Something in the backgrounded sounded, but we couldn't be bothered to listen or interpret it. We were both too tired.
Finally I turned to him and forced the light through, and he covered his eyes and turned over the Empress, grudgingly, and said, "This is you. I want it to be me."
"I can help you make that happen," I told him. He didn't believe me, so he just picked the scabs again and ripped the wounds open to bleed fresh. I wanted to be the wound, to feel the layers tearing off of me then, to hurt with him as they were torn open, but I hadn't achieved that level of enlightenment yet so instead I just held him as he died. He shoved me off, and forced me away. I came back, and told him there wasn't room for the both of us, but cramming it all in together made it that much deeper in the end. He told me to fuck off, and I held him as it all crumbled around us. The Tower reverses and the Hanged Man takes its place, or otherwise nothing is for anything and we all go back to Zero reversed again. I ripped the flesh off my ankles, and let the blood and bones suck in what I was missing, and then I was done with it all for good. It was transcendent, yet dissatisfying. Exactly what he would have wanted.
But then the light changed and shifted to gold, and we drew ourselves into each other and the shattered glass shifted to the side long enough for us to draw ourselves together. It's claws turned black and the colors drew into me and I couldn't hold anything else and I didn't know why; all I knew were its flashing lights and the sudden twist of its brightness and I couldn't hold myself together again without it. It sucked all of me in, and in doing so consumed me completely, and I was satisfied. It wasn't satisfied, but it never could be, and that's why I loved it.
The King of Cups longed for the Empress but got the Queen of Wands instead, which is exactly what it needed. The two bit each other, but then learned what shape they were meant to take, took it, and then shined red and gold again. Through the filter they both saw what they were meant for, and through a deeper longing, took what they were meant for despite their levels. The Hanged Man Reversed turns upright, and the Empress fades back to the shadows where she belongs.
The King of Cups takes hold of the Queen of Wands, and seeing each other for what they are, they rush forth with a fierceness neither of them understand- exactly as it was always meant for the both of them, and all were the better for it.
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